I'm okay, we're okay.

A couple of randoms today:

1. The Hokkien mee at chinatown's foodstreet isn't very nice actually. So much for 5 bucks.
2. I kind of miss working at OX already.
3. I forgot which Shop n Save Auntie Jenny's working at so I can't find her...
4. I think booboo slept already.
5. I shall not shop in Singapore!!! DETERMINATION!!
6. Catharsis means emotional release. Interesting.
7. I am gradually toning down to my pre-holiday life. No more late nights unless once in a blue moon.
8. I'm doing Le Littles tomorrow afternoon (Mel! READ THIS!)
9. The Painted Veil and The Holiday are pretty nice movies.
10. I gained weight. T_T

Digressing, nat was directing me to www.baidu.com where I can easily get songs off their site, and that's where I had a sudden realisation that even after studying/living with Chinese all the way up to A levels, higher chinese somemore, the sight of it scares me.

The entire website was in chinese, and in truth, I couldn't even be bothered to search for anything without the help of nat. I didn't even want to read word for word.

I am immensely ashamed of myself at one point. So much for reading so much Chinese more than a decade of my academic career, so much for even studying chinese literature. Now, I'm sure I barely make the mark of an AO student in college.

I'm sure my teachers in NY will be ashamed of this.

But I later found some excuse for myself. Well, maybe not excuse. The highest possibility really.

Maybe because.. chinese scared the shit out of me already?
Studying hcl for O levels wasn't all that a nightmare. In fact, it was quite an achievement for me to have breezed through it albeit countless demoralising encounters by the teachers-who-originated-from-China. But studying hcl for A levels was a hell lot different.

It gave me so much hell, I swore I'll never touch chinese again ever in my educational career. I'd rather settle for something less instead of taking chinese in somewhere better.
I swore off the language, and refused to write or read any chinese in the next few months after the exams. And soon enough, I lost touch with the language. I couldn't really remember much of the shit I studied so hard for, I couldn't really remember how to write, how to read. There were instances where I shocked myself so much - I can't even write my name without having to recall for five minutes.

I must say, I'm rather ashamed of this fact. Afterall, I was once proud of the fact that there was one subject I'm better at. But that was, well, in primary school. I had countless chinese essays up on the school notice board, and all my chinese teachers loved me. Things took a major turn when I entered secondary school of course. I wasn't the only good one. There were better ones. I was just better in my primary school because everyone generally, were English speaking.
Not a convent for nothing.

Today, I turn away from the slightest chinese paragraph I see. Not because I still hate the language so much. But because I know I probably won't be able to read a quarter of the words there. Some people, even after distancing from this language, they can still manage the language rather well. But when you can't, it's probably a blockage you built.

I don't know whether to regret about setting this blockage or not.