For the first time in so long, I'm finally logging online in the afternoon. Reason being, my modem's down somehow, and the wireless I'm tapping into usually only works in the night. WOW I'M HERE NOW!! Anyhow, Singnet Broadband sucks la. I'm so grateful mum cancelled contract and we're waiting for the cable connection to come in. =)

Just the other day, I thought of you. And at least a million scenarios, what-ifs, and reasoning came through. It's been so long since I made the move and moved away from you. And because of that, so much has changed since.

I no longer want to be the kind of friend I used to be. I guess, in a way, I was just tired of having to reflect my life, lifestyles and routines to someone else. And having to live through countless blames, accusations, and expectations that won't ever seem to end. Of course, I'm no longer pointing fingers and I'm no longer mad. But just, afraid.

I realised, that ever since then, I decided to live my own life, did my own stuff, not having the need to report anything to anyone. And that's the way I'm liking it. I didn't have to worry about anything, or worry about needing to report my life to someone else other than my parents and partner. But concurrently, I became afraid to make new close friends.

Somehow, the idea of having a new close friend meant that I had to start all over, get to know a new someone again, and adapt to his/her characteristics. And secretly, I'm afraid to meet someone just like you. I didn't want to get too close to anyone new; I didn't want the familiarity of how you used to be like to come back again.

Under the covers, there were even occassions where I dreamt of how things used to be, and woke up feeling nasty. A little nostalgic, because afterall, we used to be the best of friends. But a little relieved, because I no longer feel the weight on my shoulders.

But I won't deny still feeling sore, about the questions I never asked you. About the incidents where we fought, and I never managed to seek an answer. Sometimes, even now, I still feel very much how I used to feel - unjust.

But it's okay now, everything's over. And the occassional smses, phonecalls and even lunch will suffice. I just hope, no one new would be the same.

*

Tanning was cancelled today because of the sucky wet weather.. =( Very sad.